Maria Konnikova: “Perhaps one day we’ll be able to identify and block not just scams but the scammers themselves—before they even target their first victim.”
No matter what your age, be aware of scammers—especially those who know how to make their approach feel personal.
I want to tell you about something that recently happened to me.
I received a text from someone who said her name was Emily. That immediately caught my attention because Emily was also the name of someone with whom I had ended a relationship more than a year ago.
For a moment, I wondered whether she was reaching out to me again.
The message said something like, “I was thinking about our meeting while cleaning out some old contacts.”
I was curious, so I responded, “Who are you?”
The person wrote back, “Well, who are you?”
Then she sent me a photograph of herself standing near a lake and asked, “How was your day?”
That was the beginning of a conversation that continued for about two days, over 20 texts. I knew it wasn’t Emily but I was still curious about her.
We never exchanged last names, but she gradually began sharing pieces of her supposed life. She said she lived in New York and worked for a company that sold organic beauty products throughout the world. She told me she had a fourteen-year-old daughter and had been divorced for ten years.
I also shared a few things about myself. I told her that I had a daughter and that I had been a Master Gardener. I sent her a picture of my garden and dry creek landscape, but I did not send a picture of my house. I was cautious—or at least I believed I was being cautious.
We talked about our interests, and the conversation began to feel friendly. It even seemed as though an interesting friendship might be developing.
There were a few things, however, that did not feel quite right.
At times, she did not seem to understand my sense of humor. She also sent messages at around four o’clock in the morning on two consecutive days. Since she claimed to live in New York, the timing did not make sense. She did not appear to understand the difference between her time zone and mine.
Still, I continued the conversation.
She knew that I was considerably older than she was. She knew what I did for a living. Although I had not revealed many identifying details, I had told her enough to begin creating the feeling of a personal connection.
Then I mentioned the conversation to my daughter.
She said, “Dad, what are you doing? This is a scam. She is probably trying to get something from you. She is much younger than you. Why would she suddenly be reaching out this way?”
My daughter was shocked, but her reaction made me stop and think more carefully.
I sent another message to “Emily.”
I wrote, “I’m beginning to feel cautious. I would like to go back to how this conversation started. Where did we supposedly meet, and how did you get my phone number?”
I also told her that I did not want to be manipulated, gaslighted or scammed.
I sent the message—and I never heard from her again.
What I learned
That silence gave me my answer.
I later looked up the phone number. It did not appear to be from New York. It appeared to be connected to the Los Angeles area.
I realized that I had probably been drawn into the beginning stages of a scam. I still do not know exactly what the person ultimately wanted. Perhaps the conversation would eventually have turned toward money, investments, cryptocurrency or some kind of emergency. Perhaps the goal was simply to gather more personal information.
What concerns me most is that the person used a name that had emotional meaning for me.
Was that simply a coincidence? Had the name been found somewhere in my online history? Did the person know anything else about me? Could information have been collected from social media, public records or other sources?
I may never know.
Something as innocent as being open to a new friendship had slowly turned into something deceptive.
That is why I am sharing this experience.
Scammers do not always begin by asking for money. Sometimes they begin by offering attention.
They may act interested in your work, your wisdom, your hobbies or your personal life. They may use an attractive photograph. They may make you feel noticed, admired or appreciated.
For an older adult who is lonely—or for anyone who is longing for friendship or connection—that attention can be a powerful emotional hook.
There was a part of me that enjoyed the conversation. This appeared to be an attractive younger person who seemed interested in my life and appreciated my experience and wisdom. I thought it might become an interesting friendship. I have worked with many younger people throughout my career and have generally related well to them, so the possibility did not initially seem unbelievable.
That is important for me to admit.
Being vulnerable to a scam does not necessarily mean that someone is foolish, unintelligent or desperate. It means that scammers understand normal human needs. We all want to be seen. We all want to feel interesting. We all want companionship, attention and connection.
Scammers look for those natural human longings and use them as openings.
Here are several warning signs I learned from this experience.
1. Be suspicious of unfamiliar numbers
When someone claims that you have met before, look carefully through your messages and contacts. Ask the person directly where and when you met.
Do not give them clues that help them invent an answer.
Instead of asking, “Did we meet at the gardening event?” ask, “Where did we meet?” Let them provide the details.
2. Notice when a message feels unusually personal
Using the name Emily immediately caught my attention because the name had meaning in my life.
A personal detail can be used as a hook. The scammer may know something about you, or the detail may simply be a lucky guess. Either way, do not assume that familiarity proves the person is genuine.
3. Be cautious when appearance or flattery draws you in
An attractive photograph can lower our skepticism. So can compliments about our appearance, wisdom, success, kindness or accomplishments.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying a compliment, but it is important to recognize when admiration is being used to create trust unusually quickly.
4. Pay attention to inconsistencies
This person claimed to live in New York but repeatedly texted me at a time that did not fit that story.
Small inconsistencies matter. The person may forget what they previously told you, avoid direct questions or respond in ways that do not quite match the conversation.
Do not ignore that uneasy feeling simply because you want the connection to be real.
5. Slow the conversation down
Scammers often try to create emotional closeness quickly. They may text frequently, ask personal questions or begin talking as though you share a special connection.
You do not owe an unfamiliar person immediate answers. Take time to think before responding.
6. Do not share identifying information
Avoid sharing your full name, address, date of birth, financial information, workplace details, passwords or photographs that reveal where you live.
Even an innocent photograph may contain landmarks, addresses or other clues about your location.
7. Talk to someone you trust
My daughter saw the situation more clearly because she was not emotionally involved in the conversation.
When something feels exciting, flattering or too good to be true, show the messages to a family member or trusted friend. An outside perspective can interrupt the emotional momentum before you become more deeply involved.
8. Use the protections available on your phone
Block suspicious numbers and report junk messages. Do not open unfamiliar links or download unexpected attachments. Use strong, separate passwords and turn on two-factor authentication whenever it is available.
Most importantly, trust your discomfort.
You do not need absolute proof that someone is a scammer before ending the conversation. You are allowed to stop responding simply because something does not feel right.
I was fortunate. I did not send money, provide financial information or reveal my address. But the experience showed me how gradually a person can be drawn into a deceptive relationship.
It did not begin with a threat.
It began with a name, a photograph and the possibility of friendship.
So please be cautious. Ask questions. Check the details. Talk with someone you trust.
And remember: wanting connection is not a weakness. It is part of being human.
But genuine connection should not require you to ignore your instincts, surrender your privacy or prove your trust to a stranger.
Learn from my experience—and be careful out there.
Remember, don’t act your age!