“Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
I’m walking along the Manzanita Trail again.
You know, the other day I was feeling a little depressed, and I started thinking about a question:
Who believes in me?
Of course, I know the first part of that question has to be: Do I believe in myself?
But then I began thinking about how many people in my life have truly believed in me. That led me to another question: What does it even mean to believe in somebody?
In fact, I recently asked one of my clients that question. She was a younger girl, and I asked her, “Who believes in you?”
She thought about it for a long time and finally said, “Maybe my stepdad.”
I asked her, “What do you think he believes about you?”
She said, “He believes in my future.”
I thought, Okay, that’s a good answer.
When we believe in the people around us, perhaps we believe they are going to make it. We believe they are capable. Sooner or later, they will figure things out. We believe they have a positive future ahead of them.
That made a lot of sense to me, and I began applying it to my own life.
Do the people around me believe that, even at my age, I am finally going to get it together? Do they believe I can still have a meaningful life ahead of me? I don’t really retire, but do they believe I can continue doing meaningful work and living a meaningful life? Do they truly believe I have something valuable to offer them? Am I worth really getting to know?
Then I thought about something else.
I was always close to my younger sister, Debra. I called her “Deb or Deggie.” We went through a lot together, including college. She once said to me, “David, you get me.”
I took that to mean that I really understood her and believed in her—not only the positive qualities, but also the more difficult parts. I understood and accepted the whole version of who she was.
She believed that I got her, and that I accepted her for who she was.
In truth, that wasn’t difficult because my sister was an incredible person.
Perhaps that is another part of believing in someone. It means seeing the whole person—the positive and negative qualities, the strengths and struggles—and still accepting them.
I also think that when someone believes in me, they trust me. They believe I am responsible. They see me as somewhat predictable—not always, of course—but generally consistent. They believe I have their back.
Maybe that is not necessarily the same thing as being a best friend, but it is something close to trust and emotional safety.
Still, this is a difficult idea for me to completely wrap my head around.
For some reason, as I started my walk today, I realized that no matter what I do, it often does not seem to be enough for people to follow my blog, watch my series or become deeply interested in what I am creating or doing in my life. Of course this is my big ego, coming out of a long held belief that I am not significant.
The people around me say nice things about me, but I think I want something more.
I want somebody to say:
“Wow, I get you.”
“I agree with you.”
“I accept you.”
“I believe in you.”
“I like the direction you are going.”
“What you’re doing is inspiring.”
I long for an energetic quality from someone—a response that says:
“Wow, that was a really good blog.”
“That touched me deeply.”
“What you wrote says a lot about you.”
“Maybe you are experiencing life deeply too.”
I know that may be asking a lot, but I believe I am longing for somebody to connect not only with what I create, but with the deeper person behind it.
As I thought about who has believed in me, I came back to my sister, Deb. Despite all of my hang-ups, I believe she got me. I got her, and she got me.
I also think some of the women I have been with would say they believed in me. Most of them, at least until this last breakup, would probably have said:
“You have always been a positive person.”
“You have always cared deeply about people, especially in the work you do.”
“You have always been a person that wants to know people at a deep level.”
Maybe I have not always been as good at supporting my friends or family. Sometimes I think I am better with strangers than I am with the people closest to me. That has never completely made sense to me.
But I know I have to return to the most important thing:
I have to believe in myself above all.
I have to believe that I am valuable and worthwhile. I have to believe that I am contributing something. I have to trust that my voice is resonating somewhere in the universe with somebody.
I hope it is resonating with God.
I have sometimes thought that if I truly knew God—or the universe—completely loved and supported me, that would be enough. I would not need anybody else.
But I can’t say I wholeheartedly believe that.
I have realized that I do need other people. We are social creatures. We thrive through our connections with one another and through the emotional and energetic connection we share.
Perhaps believing in ourselves is essential, but it does not completely replace the experience of being seen, understood, accepted and believed in by another human being.
EXERCISE
WHO BELIEVES IN YOU? DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?
Remember, don’t act your age!