“Love is like a hot fudge sundae. Partly hot, partly cold, and always gratifying. -Unknown
After nearly 30 years of sitting across from people—listening to their stories, their pain, their hopes—I’ve come to realize something that doesn’t get talked about enough.
We get very good at naming things.
Anxiety. Depression. Attachment styles. Communication patterns. Diagnoses.
And while those can be helpful… I’ve started to wonder if, at times, they quietly take something away.
They can begin to define a person before we really know them.
Lately, I’ve found myself a little tired of that. Not dismissive of it—but tired of how quickly we move to labels before curiosity has had a chance to breathe.
So I’ve been asking a different kind of question.
What if, instead of asking what’s going on with you… I ask what you love?
I was talking with a friend about relationships and she said her ex boyfriend was “Vanilla.” She went on to explain what she meant, which really intrigued me as a therapist.
When I jokingly tried to carry this idea a little further during a conversation about relationships, I said, “I’m Rocky Road.”
She smiled and said that chocolate, “Rocky Road,” suggests warmth and deep memories, the marshmallow is soft and cozy—bringing in sweetness—and the nuts add variety and contrast to life, maybe even a bit of toughness or adventure.
I laughed and added, “Or maybe the dark chocolate points to my darker side.”
She paused and said gently, “I don’t know you well enough to say that.”
That moment stayed with me.
There are many ways we grow and come to understand ourselves. This idea of looking at the flavors we choose feels like a simple, even playful way to begin. Something as ordinary as a favorite ice cream flavor may not diagnose a person—but it might open a door of self discovery.
Maybe ice cream can be a metaphor for life. It’s about what we choose—the familiar or the unknown. Do we reach for vanilla every time because it’s safe and predictable? Or do we take a chance on something like pistachio, not knowing if we’ll like it, but willing to find out?
Sometimes, growth begins with something as small as a new flavor.
Choosing an ice cream flavor seems small… almost trivial. But the way we choose—and don’t choose—mirrors how we move through life in quiet, everyday ways.
It isn’t about figuring people out. It’s about getting to know them-while both/all enjoying a special treat, including ourselves.
And if all we discover along the way is that we’ve slowed down, shared a few stories, and maybe smiled a little more over something simple…
I’ve noticed that when people talk about something as simple as their favorite flavor, a memory surfaces. A story follows. And suddenly, we’re not talking about a label. We’re talking about a life.
And I’m going to invite the people I talk with—friends, clients, family—to do the same in their own way. Not a a deep probe,, just as a doorway That might be more meaningful than any label we could have given.
I think picking what flavor we like , could suggest something about us
Maybe suggest:
- What comforts us
- What feels familiar
- What reminds us of something—or someone—we may not even realize we miss
- What reminds us of a special time in our life
Obviously, this is not going to define you as a person, or deeper traits, or your personality, it’s only another avenue for self reflection.
But it might help you understand:
- How you experience comfort or need nurturing or self care?
- How open you are to trying new things and taking risks?
- What you hold onto, or avoid from past memories or experiences?
- What you have lost and maybe is still too painful to remember?
- What are you still quietly longing for, needing more fun and excitement in your life?
- Do you go back to celebrated a special event in your life, like birthdays, special family get togethers or special achievements?
And maybe, just maybe, it helps you slow down long enough to see others a little more clearly.
Next time I have ice cream, I will pause for a moment.
Ask myself some more questions such as:
- Why this flavor?
- When did I start liking it?
- Who does it remind me of?
- What does it feel like to eat it right now?
I don’t need to come up with the “right” answer. I’ll just notice
What could it suggest if I avoid certain flavors or not try them?
Maybe from my :
- Past experiences
“I tried that once… and it didn’t go well.” - Expectation
“I already know I won’t like it.” - Control
“I’d rather stick with what I know.” - Protection
“I don’t want to be disappointed.” - Identity
“That’s just not me.”
Where else in my life do I decide ahead of time… without giving something a chance?
There’s nothing wrong with having preferences. We all do. And part of knowing ourselves is knowing what we don’t enjoy. But there’s a difference between:
- “I’ve tried that, and it’s not for me”
and - “I already know I won’t like it”
I don’t have to like every flavor. But I might ask:
- What makes this a ‘no’ for me?
- Have I always felt this way?
- Did something shape this reaction?
- Is this preference… or protection?
So here is what I am going to do:
Each week, I’m going to try a different flavor of ice cream.
Not just to taste it—but to pay attention.
This week I am going to start with basic Vanilla and see what comes up for me
- What do I notice?
- Is it such a familiar flavor?
- Do I want to share it… or keep it to myself?
- What was my mood like before I decide to get ice cream?
- What is it about just now that I really want it or feel I need it?
- What feelings are coming up for me?
- Is this flavor triggering any memories from the past?
EXERCISE
JOIN ME IN MY EXPERIMENT OF SEEING WHAT FLAVORS SUGGEST ABOUT YOU
Remember, don’t act your age!