“What we have done for ourselves alone dies; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” Albert Pike
(Note 11) If I could have accepted and prepared for what was ahead, would I feel differently about growing older now? Would I have made better decisions to be more fulfilled? Should I achieve my medal of gratitude for all the precious years I have lived? Life is passing by, a flash, like a sparkler on the 4th of July. I remember so many days in my youth, at school or on the farm thinking this day will never end. Now I don’t want my days to end.
I didn’t seriously start thinking about death and dying until about age 60. I always saw death lurking in the background, like a shadow hovering over me, just waiting patiently to invade my flesh at my last breath. Death only happens to really old people, people dying of diseases like cancer, or from wars or accidents, not to me, right? I didn’t realize the stop watch started as soon as I was born. The race to old age has been a sprint. I wish it was more like running a marathon.
I have to accept the fact that someday I will face the death monster. I have heard it said, “You can’t live life fully until you can embrace death.” Maybe the death monster will turn out be disguised as my angel. Realizing that I have less time in front of me than behind me makes it hard to grasp this new time concept. What should it feel like to have fewer years ahead? My vanity or ego wants to hang-out forever, to be like a star trillions of light years away, one that had burnt out, but is still visible years later.
(Note 12) I have had a lot of death around me over the years. My father and mother’s side both had eight siblings. All are gone. I had five brothers and two sisters. I now have lost my younger sister, younger and older brothers, plus I have lost good friends over the years.
I remember when I was growing up that there was always a relative dying, especially an aunt or uncle. By the time I was 20, I had lost both grandparents on my mother’s side. On my father’s side, I had no grandparents. My paternal grandfather died at 47 and my paternal grandmother died in her 30’s. She drowned swimming at a stone quarry.
I remember as a pre-teen visiting my maternal grandfather, who was basically a vegetable, was bed ridden and taken care of by my grandmother. Not only was I shocked by his pale and fragile appearance, but by his cussing and swearing at my grandmother who was only trying to turn him over so he wouldn’t get bed sores. He died when I was about 12. This grandfather was the stern, bigger-than- life farmer who everyone looked up to, that was until he became weak and helpless. He was in a car accident where he was thrown out of the car, landing head first on the pavement.
My older brother, from what we can guess, was riding his bicycle down the highway, somehow crashed and hit his head on the asphalt. He was in a coma for about a month before he died.
Almost every Sunday at church, we were praying for someone close to death or talking about someone who had died. There was always a prayer list. I always thought if I got on that list, I was either a sinner or about to die.
I always saw death with animals on the farm. My first loss was my dog Blackie, the runt of the litter. That cute little guy, my favorite little pup, died almost two weeks after he was born. I think I must have really bonded with Blackie because when he died, I couldn’t stop crying. There were always other animals dying. I probably had at least four dogs in my childhood who died, Nick, Benny, Queenie and Shep. I remember my father didn’t like Shep. Once, against our protests, he drove Shep about 20 miles away from the house and dumped him. The next day, Shep he was sitting on the front porch so my dad decided we had to keep him. There must have always been at least 10 cats in the barn. Unfortunately, there were many cats that died over my first 18 years. Of course raising dairy and beef cattle, chickens, even pigs at one time, were constant reminders of death. And at some point, I sadly realized that we were eating animals that we had raised. I used to tell some of my friends that I ate so much meat during my childhood that I “almost” became a vegetarian. Currently, I go back and forth from some meat to a vegetarian diet.
How does that fit in I with where I am now in my aging process? Well, as you have read, I’m very familiar with the physical side, and am starting to accept the inevitable. My life, like so many others, is a gradual conditioning towards the reality of death. My early experiences prepared me for the reality of the limitations to my body, no lifetime warranty on it. My fears seem not so much about death and dying, but more about leaving my attachments, sensual pleasures, not finishing my dreams and leaving people behind. The spiritual unknown feels like it should be my quest now, but honestly, I’m getting tired of asking questions and my faith is much stronger.
EXERCISE
Examine your feelings around many of the losses you have had in your life and how it makes you feel. What do you believe about death and dying?
Until next time, don’t act your age?