“A man is called selfish, not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor’s.” –Richard Whately
What Happens When You Come to the Realization That You’re Selfish?
(Note 202) I had a dream last week. I was at a social event, and two of my childhood friends showed up — Jerry and Eddie. We went through 12 grades together, best friends, inseparable. There wasn’t anything we didn’t talk about or experiment with. How we never got caught or ruined our bodies, I’ll never know.
In the dream, Jerry looked at me and said, “Dave, you ignore us.” Tears welled up in his eyes. Then, all of a sudden, Eddie started to cry too. I felt it — that deep, piercing wave of guilt and shame. After high school and then college, I had completely lost contact. I abandoned my best friends, my true support, convinced I needed to move on, maybe believing we no longer had anything in common.
That dream has stayed with me, opening a floodgate of reflection. I started thinking about so many people who have come and gone from my life. A pattern emerged — a realization I could no longer avoid. I’ve never been a long-term, committed friend. I have seldom made the extra effort to stay in touch. How could I have allowed this to happen, especially with Jerry? And Eddie… I learned he died by suicide. How did I not know? How did I let him slip away without a trace of my presence?
But it doesn’t stop there. My best friend from college, my very close Peace Corps Ghanian friend of two years, and Deraj, another Peace Corps dear friend that ex-my wife and I spent most of our leisure time with while we were there, a coworker therapist I spent years with — all of them are just distant memories now. Even with my own siblings, I seldom reach out. My daughter, too. I sometimes fear she believes she was never my first priority, that my work always came first. And with my wife now, I wonder if she feels the same — like she’s constantly competing with my endless distractions.
Since that dream, I’ve been truly asking myself how and why I became so self-centered and selfish. There is a deep sadness within me, a heavy weight of regret that makes me feel like I’ve lost so much over the years. I long to tell all those people how sorry I am for my selfishness. My fear is that this selfishness has left a stain on my heart that may never fade.
I also am starting to think about how they may have felt rejected, hurt even confused about why I never kept better contact, or no contact at all. Maybe they even started to ask themselves, “Did David ever really care about me like I cared about him?
When Does Selfishness Take Hold?
How do we know when we’ve crossed the line from self-care to self-centeredness? It often starts so subtly. We justify our absence by telling ourselves we’re busy, or that life simply moves on. We assume our friends will understand, that our family will forgive the neglect. But the truth is, relationships are living, breathing entities — they need tending, like a garden. Without care, they wither.
Maybe it’s fear. Fear of vulnerability. Fear that reconnecting will force us to confront uncomfortable truths. Or perhaps it’s pride — believing that people who once mattered will no longer recognize or value the person we’ve become. The excuses pile up, forming a wall between us and the people we once held close.
Recognizing the Signs
The signs of selfishness can be subtle or glaringly obvious:
- Avoidance: You delay or ignore opportunities to connect, making excuses about being busy.
- Lack of Effort: You wait for others to reach out rather than initiating contact (almost keeping a score card)
- Emotional Distance: You rarely share your genuine thoughts and feelings, keeping conversations surface-level.
- Prioritizing Self-Interest: You pursue personal goals at the expense of meaningful relationships.
A Call for Reflection
For anyone, especially the young, these are vital questions that demand soul-searching honesty:
- Am I nurturing the relationships that matter most?
- Have I neglected people who once brought joy, support, and meaning into my life?
- What fears or beliefs prevent me from reconnecting?
- How can I take the first step toward healing broken connections?
I don’t want to be defined by the friendships I’ve lost or the family bonds I’ve strained. That dream was a wake-up call. Maybe it’s not too late to change — to be present, to listen, to show up. Because in the end, the depth of our connections defines the richness of our lives. And I, for one, don’t want to keep waking up with regret.
It’s time to reach out. Not tomorrow. Not someday. Now.
EXERCISE
Are you a selfish person? Or are you on your way to becoming a selfish person or friend? Are you willing and capable of doing something about it?
Remember, don’t act your age