“Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.” — Amy Bloom
Recently, one of my clients said something to me that stopped me cold.
“David, you are setting me up.”
At first, I honestly did not understand what he meant.
So I asked him to explain.
He said,
“You want me to read that, and it makes me feel like you want me to change who I am. I’m okay with how I am. These are my familiar habits and routines.”
I immediately felt embarrassed.
I realized he probably felt judged by me, even if that was never my intention. But what affected me even more was the insight that followed afterward.
His words forced me to confront something deep within myself.
I realized I may have spent many years over-identifying with my role as a therapist. Somewhere along the way, I unconsciously assumed that people truly wanted deep emotional conversations, self-awareness, transparency, insight, and personal growth the way I did. I also realized that when people I love says they want space, they just want to be left alone, not rescued, or feel like there is something wrong with them for not opening up emotionally.
I believed depth was intimacy.
I believed understanding ourselves deeply was one of the highest goals in life.
But maybe that is not true for everyone.
Maybe some people do not want to spend their lives emotionally analyzing themselves and others. Maybe in-depth conversations feel exhausting, intrusive, destabilizing, or even threatening.
And honestly, I think I finally understand why.
Deep conversations often require people to leave emotional territory that feels safe and familiar. Once we start pulling things apart — relationships, childhood wounds, fears, disappointments, regrets — people may fear they will uncover emotions they cannot control or truths they are not ready to face.
Sometimes “going deeper” does not feel healing to people.
It feels like pressure.
Pressure to change.
Pressure to become more vulnerable.
Pressure to explain themselves.
Pressure to emotionally perform in ways that do not feel natural to them.
Some people experience emotional processing as closeness.
Others experience it as scrutiny.
That does not mean they are shallow.
In fact, many people find meaning through companionship, routines, humor, affection, shared experiences, gardening together, raising children, working side by side, sitting quietly watching television, or simply knowing someone will still be there tomorrow.
There is something deeply human about wanting peace instead of constant emotional excavation.
I think for much of my life I unconsciously equated growth with depth. I believed the inner journey was more important than external experiences. I thought we should continually strive to become more self-aware, more evolved, more emotionally transparent.
But lately I have been wondering:
Can the pursuit of growth itself become another form of restlessness?
Can we become so focused on understanding life that we forget to simply live it?
Maybe not every silence needs interpretation.
Maybe not every relationship problem requires a breakthrough conversation.
Maybe not every person wants to climb the mountain of self-discovery forever.
Maybe some people are quietly saying:
“I am tired. I just want to live peacefully for awhile.”
And maybe there is wisdom in that too.
EXERCISE
What are you learning about yourself in what you need in a healthy relationship? Are you asserting yourself to get your needs met? What does intimacy mean to you?
Remember, don’t act your age!