“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”
— Marcus AureliusI was in a conversation the other day about legacies. A friend surprised me when he said that one of his purposes in life, as a therapist and service-oriented person, was “to bring up the next generation of men.” His comment stayed with me. It made me think about what it means to be a man, especially as we grow older and our limitations begin to show. If I am no longer as strong or physical as I once was, do my strengths become more relational and emotional?
I don’t believe that virtues or strengths belong exclusively to one gender. Compassion, humility, courage, honesty, sacrifice, and kindness are human qualities. Yet I still find myself reflecting on the values I most admire and asking, “If I am trying to become the best version of myself as a man, what does that look like?”
Perhaps it means giving more than I take. Building communities rather than tearing them down. Sacrificing for the highest good of those around me. Being slow to speak and quick to listen. Remaining humble enough to know that I do not have all the answers.
Maybe it means caring for my body—not out of vanity, but because strength allows me to better serve myself and others. It means eating well, exercising, and maintaining my health. It means my word is my bond. It means no job is beneath me and that there is dignity in any work done wholeheartedly. Pride comes not from status, but from effort and integrity.
Men are often stereotyped as fixers. But some things cannot be fixed. You can’t fix grief. You can’t fix a broken heart. You can’t repair hurt with a wrench and a few good intentions. I have always tried to follow a simple spiritual principle: “Do no harm.” Yet I have failed miserably at times. There are people I have hurt whom I wish I had not. Those regrets have taught me that being a man is not about perfection, but about humility, accountability, and learning to live with grace.
I was raised with fairly defined roles. My father was the breadwinner. He made most of the financial decisions, disciplined us—often by yelling—and made sure we did our chores and went to church. He spent his days tending the farm and animals. My mother managed the home and cared for eight children. Looking back, there was little confusion about who did what.
My father was devoted to family. Raising eight children required sacrifice and commitment. Whether wanting a large family is uniquely masculine, I don’t know. But faithfulness and devotion mattered deeply to him.
Today, those traditional roles have changed. In many ways that is a good thing. Greater equality has opened doors and opportunities that were once limited. Yet I sometimes wonder whether, in our desire to eliminate rigid roles, we have also lost some of the traditions and differences that once provided identity and belonging.
As a Master Gardener, I have watched women work shoulder to shoulder with men—digging, hauling, weeding, sweating in the sun, and often outworking the men beside them. Strength, perseverance, and hard work are not owned by one gender. One gardener joked, “If you don’t have dirt under your fingernails, you’re not a gardener.” I have known many women who wore that dirt proudly.
That experience taught me that perhaps being a man has less to do with roles and more to do with character.
Over the years, I have talked with many men in therapy, including men struggling with sex addiction and even some who had committed sexual offenses. I have often been struck by how deeply their sense of masculinity was tied to sexuality. They measured themselves by performance, frequency, conquest, and the belief that a real man should always be ready and never struggle.
Underneath those beliefs, I often discovered loneliness, shame, insecurity, and a longing to be accepted and valued.
I have come to believe that sex does not define manhood. Sexuality is one part of being human, but it is not the measure of a man’s character. A man is not made by conquest, performance, or the ability to satisfy every desire. He is shaped by integrity, humility, responsibility, compassion, and the willingness to love and serve others.
Perhaps being a man means taking responsibility instead of blaming. Showing courage without arrogance. Being dependable. Admitting when you are wrong. Protecting without controlling. Providing not only financially, but emotionally and spiritually. Treating women with dignity and respect. Being willing to cry and willing to stand firm. Serving rather than demanding to be served.
Maybe what young men need most today is not a return to the 1950s, nor the elimination of masculinity altogether, but older men and women who model integrity, humility, compassion, and purpose.
Perhaps becoming a man is not about proving your power.
Perhaps it is about learning how to use your strength in the service of love.
And maybe that is a legacy worth passing on.
EXERCISE
What is your definition of being a man—or a woman?
Which qualities do you most admire in yourself and others?
Remember, don’t act your age—act your values.