Quote from movie Shirley Valentine: “I have allowed myself to lead this little life, when inside me there was so much more. And it’s all gone unused. And now it never will be. Why do we get all this life if we don’t ever use it? Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don’t ever use them?“
As we grow older we reflect on life, the past and the future. We all want to believe we are satisfied, even happy at this stage in our lives. However, there can be some inner tension, unfinished business, maybe less hope and a gnawing sense of still wanting so much more from life, like a deep yearning that never seems to go away. This sometimes makes us feel that we are divided by these opposing parts.
(Note 25) I sometimes look at my journey and life as divided into two almost opposing parts. The second part is what I want to embrace as I get older.
Gaining vs losing and letting go
Finding identity vs losing our identity (false self)
Pride vs humility
Trying to connect vs staying connected
Separation from family vs keeping the family as close as possible
Pleasing the senses and fun vs deeper states of peace and joy
Focusing on new beginnings vs appreciation for what I have and living in each moment
Fearing death vs accepting death as a new beginning
Searching for God vs experiencing God
Underlying the opposing forces I struggle with, there are deeper questions in the background including the following:
Am I really following my dreams, setting new goals to live a life of purpose and meaning?
Am I making a difference in changing the consciousness of others?
Do I sometimes turn my head to suffering around me, feeling like I have to pick and choose?
How close am I to living my potential? What does that really mean?
Do I really know what love is, to love my neighbor as myself? Have I expressed that kind of love?
And before I die, I want to know that the world did not own me (as I heard someone once remark), that I finally took control of the reigns, charted my own course, lived being true to myself, authentic, so comfortable in my skin that I walked with a warm peaceful glow inside. Well, maybe carrying around a warm glow is a bit too much. I guess I want to know that I left the world a much better place, that my contributions really mattered. No small task, right? I think deep down that everyone feels that way.
My main sparing partners in life have always been feeling invisible, feeling like an imposter and insignificant, that I’m educated beyond my intelligence, that I’m like an average wallflower. Someone who was supervising me to get my counseling license in California, once told me, “David you will never get your license because you are a generalist.” I probably took that the wrong way but I took it to heart, thinking what he meant was that I didn’t know enough about anything, that I wasn’t smart enough. Well, of course, I then did everything I could to prove him wrong and soon after got my license.
Dan Millman, author of many books, including the one that greatly impacted my life, “Way of The Peaceful Warrior,” told me once that my biggest sparing partner was fear. He’s right and I think that is at the root of all emotions, all pain and all suffering.
Fortunately, I learned this early and have tried to face my fears as they come up. On my Psychology Today profile, I listed a quote from John A. Shedd: “Ships are safe in the harbor, but that is not what they were built for.” So behind every fear is not only something to pay attention to, but to see as the next step in personal growth. I remember when I was in my mid forties I thought that if I could sky dive (the scariest thing I could imagine at that time), I could face anything. And I sky dived successfully several times!
I think moving into the last stage of life brings up many worries and fears, and the unknown challenges that could possibly lie ahead. I believe one of the best ways to face this last stage is preparation, being proactive, preventative and constantly checking in with ourselves, monitoring anxiety, depression, support/resources and skills to meet the challenges. I also constantly check myself for gratitude, appreciation and humility. I love being here and have so much to be grateful for.
EXERCISE
Think about how fear across the board is affecting your ability to make significant changes or manage your behaviors? Fear has many faces, such as anxiety or worry. If you are not sure about how fear manifests, you may want to take one of the anxiety inventories in the resource section. Those are symptoms of anxiety but also look at the areas of your life you are being held back, where you know you need to take risks.
Remember until next time, don’t act your age!