“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I wrote in an earlier blog about older adults not reaching out for mental health therapy. I understand because I didn’t want to go into therapy either. However, at least six weeks of therapy was required as part of my master’s training program. I realized later that I really needed it. The following note is one I wrote when I was 38 years old. I think most people feel part of this when they reach out to a professional. I found out that we all have blind spots, defenses, cultural bias, fears of vulnerability, etc., many other reasons I have written about in another blog (see Wrinkled, Worried & Wise, Top Secret)
REACHING OUT
(Note 43)
I’m so nervous, anxious, a little embarrassed.
What will we talk about?
What am I here for?
What do I expect?
No, I haven’t been in before.
Baring my soul to a stranger.
Oh God, I don’t know about this.
Is she old enough?
How could anyone ever know where I am coming from?
What a small prison this room is.
Can I get up and leave anytime I want?
What about my mom and dad?
I don’t remember before age seven.
Do I lead or does she?
Does she notice I’m fidgety and twisting my hair?
How long will it take for her to fix me?
Fix, well, it’s just a death in the family.
I’m sure I’ll be OK.
Is she the director, or am I?
Is she a coach, a teacher, just a listener, or what?
Two sessions or eight? What if it takes years?
Who says it’s confidential?
Can I believe it?
Can I see more proof that she deserves to enter my private world?
How dare she tell me what to do.
I didn’t bring any dreams for her.
What is transference anyway?
Will I find my inner child?
I’m noticing she repeats me, but in a different way, kinda what I say but a paraphrase.
She seems to communicate back to me the events or facts, my feelings, and even the meaning I put on them.
I wonder what the difference is between a LCSW, MFC, PH.D or MD.
I wonder how she really feels about my problems.
Here’s another loser, right?
She’s heard all this before, right?
I feel very insignificant right now, and feel so uncomfortable at times.
What’s this about?
Does she really care?
I wonder if this has ever happened to her, and how did she deal with it.
“Well, you must feel very lonely.”
I can’t believe she said that, how did she get that from what I said.
Where did those tears come from as I feel grief swelling inside.
The long silence is so comforting to let me be alone and face it.
She doesn’t intrude or rescue me.
Her presence and invitation is what I need to make it easier.
Maybe I feel safer with her than others.
I’ve noticed that when someone accepts me, it’s easier to accept myself.
What if she understands my crying?
How will she comfort me?
I would like to be held, but with her, I don’t know.
What if I really break loose it with the tears and can’t stop?
What will she do then?
If I become very angry, how will she control my beast?
Will they hear me in the next room?
How embarrassing.
I find her green eyes and beautiful red hair very distracting.
When will we talk about sex?
Isn’t that what it all comes down to?
Do shrinks still think that way?
Does she know that much of the time I’m trying to give good answers, trying to please?
And at other times, I’m trying to control where she’s going.
She sure asks a lot of questions, especially when I said I like to drink beer.
Now, I’m beginning to hate that long silence.
What if there’s another long silence to follow?
I’ll jump out of my skin then.
I do have insomnia and feel sad much of the time, but is that really a big deal?
She wants a little more history.
Well, OK.
My dad ignored us a lot and made us fear God.
Maybe he was a little neglectful but she will never get that out of me.
It’s like she’s one step ahead of me, bringing out what I feel, what I need to say but am afraid to say.
She’s always right on the edge with me.
Our time is nearly over.
It wasn’t so bad.
What a different reality this is for me, though.
For almost an hour, I focused on only myself.
And there were moments when it was OK to be myself, show my feelings.
I think she was there with me because inside something shifted.
I’ll probably come back.
EXERCISE
What stops you from seeking outside professional help or support? Family and friends are not the best options sometimes since they pretty much have a locked in opinion of you.
Until next time, don’t act your age!